high-five for chick car maintenance…

Today, I walked out to my car to leave work and realized very quickly that I had left my overhead light on all day. I’ve left it on before with no real damage, but today was just my lucky day. My battery was dead. Awesome. It was a little after 5:00pm and damn near everyone was gone. Super awesome.

I called one of my bosses and he was headed back to the office but was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be back for at least 30-minutes due to rush hour traffic. Positive note, he did say he had jumper cables. But good lord, 30-minutes was going to be the best case scenario. So I called my brother to see if he had made it too far away to circle back to jump my car. No luck. He had made it all the way home to Plano by the time I got him on the phone; which was pointless because by the time he made it back to the office, my boss would have likely made it back to me by then and my car would have been started. Great. I’m stuck. He suggested that I call one of the guys that works in our office and was likely still at work to see if he had some jumper cables and could help me out. He was, in fact, still at the office but he didn’t have any jumper cables. I was pretty sure I had some cables. Yeah, it ended up that I did not. Is it all that surprising that surprising that it was yet another dead end?

By this point, I had gotten out of my car and was standing next to it. I had called my brother back to tell him that the guy at the office didn’t have any cables and to see if he had the number of some guys we knew from another company in our building. He didn’t, of course. But it was right at about that moment that a gal that works in my office pulled up with her window down looking like she wanted to say something to me. So I call out to her before she can say anything to her and I ask if she has jumper cables. SCORE, she totally did!

I tell her that I left my overhead light on and my battery was dead. Then I ask if she minded giving me a jump and she totally came to my rescue! So she pulls up to the level that I am stuck on and gets in a good position to jump my car. She grabbed the jumper cables and walked over to me and say – ok, so you know how to do this right? And this is where things turned into completely 2 chicks about to engage in some car maintenance work that neither of us knew what the hell we were about to doing.

I pop open my hood. Now, I knew from the last time I had some “car maintenance” that the hood doesn’t just pop open. There’s a secondary latch that you have to reach under the hood and release. Yeah, I totally looked like I knew what I was doing during that part of this process from the 45-minutes it took me the last time I had to get that damned hood open. But that’s neither here nor there. Once I got the hood open, I immediately returned to the moronic category. So I have the little hood holder thing unattached and then I could not, for the life of me, determine where the hell it hooked into the hood. Sigh. It became obvious why that every time I take my car to the shop, I get the “little lady” tone.

Which quick aside… so I have a 2008 Honda Civic and everything on the dash is all digital – the gas read, the speed, the cool/heat of the car, etc. I was driving on the highway one day and looked down to notice that my speedometer was reading WAY off. It was saying I was going like 170. I was perplexed and confused. Then I slightly panicked because I always speed everywhere and I had no idea how fast I was really going. So after a day or 2 of the speedometer acting up, I was like – that’s it, I’m taking it to Honda and they are going to have to fix this ASAP. So, yeah… I pull in and tell the guy the story and he reaches in and says, well it looks like you have KPH selected as opposed to MPH, which should solve this problem right up. Sweet baby Moses! I actually said the phrase – well I feel dumb and I’m pretty sure I just confirmed that women shouldn’t have cars. To which this dude responds with – yeah, well at least we agree on that. WTF dude? I mean, I said it but it just seemed rude when he agreed without skipping a beat. I mean, who the hell knew that you could change the friggin speedometer to KPH? Ok, I’m sure everyone but me knew this. Whatever. I’m stupid. Fine.

Another quick aside… My AC was acting up and it wasn’t getting cool for some strange reason. I drove it around for a couple of days but the summer heat was completely winning that little showdown. So, after a couple of days, I drive my car to Honda. Yet again, I tell the service attendant guy my AC issue and then he reached across me and hit the AC button. Like magic, the AC got super cold. Well awesome. I’m an idiot; a chick who apparently shouldn’t own a car. I got the “little lady” tone from that dude too, but I didn’t say too much in my defense. Pretty sure I lost my ability to argue that chicks are car retarded in that moment.

Ok, so back to jumping my car. So after it took me 5-minutes to locate the spot where the little arm thing that holds up the hood went in, we’re standing there looking at the cables splayed out on the parking garage floor. She says to me – I’m assuming you know how to do this, right? Uh… no-ish, but how hard could it be, right? So I said – well the cables are black and red and the battery has a red spot and a black spot… so I’m guessing that isn’t a coincidence? Now, I was not saying that in a patronizing tone, I was almost looking for some affirmation as to if she agreed with my assessment. She did. Awesome. We’re moving right along.

So out of nowhere, she says – I’m pretty sure that I heard somewhere that you have to put the cables on in a certain order, right? Me – Uh, well I don’t know, but that sounds like it could be true. Her – I think it’s black then red. Me – Are you sure? What if it’s red then black? What happens if you do it in the wrong order? I mean, the car doesn’t blow up or something, does it? Her – Uh, well I don’t think so, but I really don’t know. I’m thinking I heard it’s black then red. Me – Do you even think that putting them on in the wrong order would make the car blow up? Or maybe catch on fire? Her – I have no idea. There was 30-seconds of silence coupled with both of us, hands-on-hips, staring at the cables like they were going to magically talk to us and tell us what the hell we were supposed to be doing. Me – Uh, so you think I should maybe Google it and see what it says? Her – Yeah actually, that would be an excellent idea.

So I’m trying to Google what the hell we were supposed to be doing and before the page could come up for Yahoo! Answers to load and she says – You think I should turn my car off before we start to hook this all up. Me – Uh, yeah… that sounds like it could be a good idea. I mean, I think that you start the jumping process with both cars off, right? Her – Uh, yeah… sounds good to me. Which, if the car is off, then maybe it doesn’t matter which one we put on first; red or black. Me – Dude, that sounds exactly like what we should be doing. Brilliant idea. So I close out the internet on my phone and walk around to start hooking up the cables to my cars battery. She was working on getting her side of the cables hooked up to her battery.

Me – So, I guess you’re supposed to fire up your engine and then I will give mine a shot, right? Her – Sounds like the right idea. She pops the key into the ignition and fires her car up. I waited about 20-seconds and I turn my key, wincing a little because the whole question of hooking the cables up in the right order and car explosions / fires had me a little nervous. I mean, we were making some car maintenance calls without any real foundational knowledge. Instead my car fired right up. The hum was music to my ears! So I’m sitting there staring at her thinking – Uh, ok… so what’s next? She says – Let’s let it sit for a couple of minutes to make sure yours is juiced up enough. Me – Yeah, that sounds like a great idea and is probably exactly what we should be doing.

A few minutes pass and she says – I think you should probably be good now. I agreed. But that whole thing about the order in which the cables were supposed to potentially go on popped back into my head and I said – So, now that both cars are running, do you think that there really is a particular order in which the cables need to be removed? Her – Yeah, good point. I don’t know. Me – we’ll let me pull them off my car first and see what happens. And since you thought it was black then red, I’m just gonna take a stab that if there is an order, it would likely be the same, right… black then red. Her – Sounds good to me. The blind leading the blind.

So we’re both hovering over the front of my car looking at the battery. I’m hesitant because it’s my car and thoughts of flames and explosions came running back through my head. She’s standing over it observing how badly I might potentially screw up my car so she can do the opposite when removing the cables from her car. So I say – Well here goes nothing. I pull the black clamp off and nothing happened. I grabbed the red clamp and removed it. Nothing happened. So I looked at her and said – We have success! She says – Yes we do! We both smiled like we’d accomplished something really amazing. After a good few seconds of us both standing there amazed by the fact that we, 2 chicks that knew zero about what we were doing, got a car started, she said – Well, I’m going to get unhooked and head out. Me – Dude, thanks a million for helping me out! Her – Yeah, I drove by and you caught my eye standing next to your car. It looked like you might’ve needed some help. Me – I’m totally glad you did stop because I was going to have to wait 30-minutes or more for Greg to get back and help me. Her – No worries! You’re welcome. Me – So, my car will turn on tomorrow you think, right? Her – Uh, I think once you drive it a bit, the battery will become recharged. Me – Sweet! Sounds good to me!

So I say – High-five for chick car maintenance. And that was that.

I realize that this wasn’t an event in any capacity that should leave a person with a feeling of accomplishment, but damnit… I felt accomplished. I mean, in my head I compared it to the first person discovering fire and how accomplished and amazed they felt. Dramatic, yes. But c’mon… am I ever anything but?

PS – I am available any time if anyone has some car maintenance questions.