potty talk...

original post date: december 8th 2006

Now there are unspoken rules of appropriate bathroom etiquette. I'm thinking a few people out there missed the memo! In my experience it has been the older ladies. These are the women who have been married for years, let themselves go, and generally don't care who they offend. In this instance it's particularly offensive to my olfactory cortex. It's been told to me, that men have certain rules for bathroom use as well. I have heard the following two:

* If you have the ability to put at least one urinal between you and the another urinal user, it's a must!* If for some reason you must stand directly next to another dude, it's imperative that you glance at an upward angle in front of your urinal – only!
That sounds reasonable, I think! Now, there are rules that woman either don't know about or don't care about. Either way, ladies – you are disgusting and I am going to clearly draft the rules that I think we should all know and at the very least attempt to follow.

* Do not use the stall directly next to a current user. It's uncomfortable, especially when the whole bathroom is wide open for business. Furthermore, it should be mandatory that you not sit directly next to someone in another stall when you are in there handling your business… if you catch my drift. Because today I caught someone's drift and almost revisited my lunch!

* Wash your damn hands. Even if you are not ordinarily a hand washer, when someone else is in the bathroom, please at least give the appearance that you care and that you are concerned about yours and others personal hygiene! I'm tired of having to open the bathroom door with a damn paper towel. It's annoying!

* Do not talk on your cell phone while you are in the bathroom. Number one, it usually echoes in to other people's stalls and number 2, it just plain rude.

* Flush the damn toilet. Enough said!* If you are a squatter, wipe the damn seat. Not everyone inspects the seat before they sit. Which seat inspection is a MUST. But in the instance that you have a momentary lapse in bathroom judgment, it's near horrifying to sit in someone else's remainder.

* The bathroom is not a hangout place. If you have finished your business, washed and dried your hands – leave! Don't hang around and talk about how Suzie pissed you off about that thing she did with that memo. That's why we have water-coolers. Go back to your office and gossip there!

* Put things that belong in the trash, in the trash. Not on the back of the toilet or on the floor, but in the trashcan. Do you just discard your trash on the floor or on the back of your toilet at home, you dirty bastard? Then why would you think it's appropriate to ever do that anywhere? I mean seriously!

* In regards to washing your hands… if there is only one place to get your paper towels in the bathroom, get what you need and move! Why do you have to dry your hands in front of the only paper towel dispenser in the entire bathroom, while I patiently let mine drip on the floor. Take one or two or 10 if you need them and move!

* Going 2 to a stall is generally accepted in a crowded bar or other social setting, but when you are in an office bathroom, there is just no justification. This is not a common offense, but one I witnessed just today. If you cannot wait until you are done using the bathroom to talk about Tommy, you seriously need help.

Ok… I think I have the major ones bathroom offenses. If there is something not on the list and you think it should be a rule, please feel free to leave a comment with your addition!