i've decided...

The last time I was leaving my yearly “womanly” doctor’s appointment and I thanked my doctor, I decided that by thanking her for her services, that kind act was, for all intents and purposes, the same thing as thanking a prostitute right before I paid her.  I mean, if you strip away all the doctor titles, what’s left is uncomfortably similar.

For some unknown reason, somewhere along the road I started using the phrase – I have the immune system of that of an AIDS patient.  Now, bypass the grossly inconsiderate and crude reference, I decided that using that phrase while you are in your doctor’s office because you are sick, is beyond inappropriate.  It seems to have resulted in an awkward moment of silence right after my doctor uncomfortably laughed, then asked – well have you ever been tested for AIDS?  Dude, yes… and no, I don’t have AIDS.  FINE.  I get it – inappropriate.

Recently, when I was switching my internet / TV services from Dish Network to AT&T Uverse, I was writing down all the shows I record regularly so I could transfer what I record over to my new service.  I decided when I got to #102, I watch FAR too much TV. 

When spotting a police officer on horseback, I’ve decided that NO COP has a sense of humor and slapping the arse of the horse saying giddy-up is not appropriate.  As I later found out, it’s actually never appropriate.  Something about hearing that proclamation while cuffed made this make a WHOLE lot more sense.  Hindsight. 

After doing about 6-months of 3+mile cardio work outs on an elliptical and then believing that because I could do 3+ miles on an elliptical, I should be able to easily run a mile, I decided that it is nothing like actually running a mile.  I also decided that the elliptical is a damn liar.

When you see a grown man dressed up as a pony with a sign hanging around his neck saying – pony ride $1 – and you think it’s a good idea to test that little sign out, I’ve decided one broken ring finger later, it was not worth the $1 it cost.  I also decided that it’s not healthy to feed into EVERY fetish that exists.  I also decided that you should probably be aware that such a thing falls into the fetish category.

When I was planning on going to Mexico and my parents disagreed with my destination choice, they wanted to pray over me and my anticipated travels, I decided that it’s not appropriate to tell your VERY Catholic father not to forget to pray that you are not traded into the Mexican sex-slave trade.  I also decided that no matter how old you get, you’re never too old to catch an unsuspecting back hand.  I also decided I am not as clear of the rules of the Christian ways, because it felt inappropriate to pray over someone that you just smacked the shit out of...

When eating at a restaurant that has a known track record of giving you stomach issues, I’ve decided that no matter how many times you believe you can beat the system, your system will always beats you.  I’ve also decided that you shouldn’t get restaurant choice bold while on a date.  I also decided that there’s a time and a place to play roulette and anywhere outside of a casino, is not the place.

If you have the pleasure of knowing someone that lives on an emotional rollercoaster (which I also lovingly refer to as a Prozac Rollercoaster), I’ve decided that the word rational doesn’t really exist.  I’ve decided that they are going to act a fool and it’s in your best interest to back up and let them take center stage.  I’ve also decided that if you try and share that space with them, you tend to look like the fool, making apologies for things they did like you did them yourself. 

When running a 5K and you are finding your own running pace, I’ve decided that saying the pace of the person in front of you matches your pace well, only to get along side her to realize she’s “about to have a baby right there” pregnant, you might need to actually attend those morning running classes you’ve been skipping out on. 

When taking your car into the shop because the automated speedometer isn’t reading properly, I’ve decided that before you go acting like you need some kind of car maintenance, you might want to check to see if you are looking at MPH v. KPH.  I also decided that if such an instance occurs and you are female, you deserve the “little lady” comment that you will likely get, much like I acceptingly experienced.

When in Mexico and you stupidly decide to go snorkeling, I’ve decided that it’s not in your best interest to sign a contract in regards to your safety that is written in another language.  I decided that the one I signed probably said, and I paraphrase – we’ll TRY and get you back to where we picked you up from / you SHOULD wear a life jacket, but we won’t force you to wear one / if you get tired and need to swim back to the boat, you’ll likely do it alone and we have high hopes that you don’t drown from fatigue.

When going to see a Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas, I’ve decided a few things should and shouldn’t happen.  I’ve decided there’s a reason they don’t serve alcohol during the show.  I’ve also decided that it’s really not a smart idea to tell that rule to eff off and drink to excess before you go into the show.  I’ve also decided that when they say no photography, they mean – no photography.  I also decided that when they confiscate your camera because you WERE taking pictures during the show, when you go to retrieve said camera at the end of the show, if you are still intoxicated, you should act as if you aren’t.  I’ve decided that accusing the Cirque people of breaking your camera and causing a huge scene lands you in cuffs.  Subsequently, I also decided if you are a cute enough girl, you can bribe the arresting officer with a date… a date on a day that you will not be in Vegas any longer.  I’ve decided that really, you should just go right ahead and do all of the above, because there is no real repercussion.  I’ve decided that I learned nothing from my Vegas experience.

You should make up and use words inappropriately.  I’ve decided that it’s humorous.  I also decided that it may not be funny to anyone but you.  Subsequently, I decided that that was more than enough of a valid justification to continue said behavior.  


While going through airport security leaving Las Vegas, I've decided that if you are randomly selected to be patted down by a female security officer, it's not appropriate for you to ask her if that experience is turning her on as much as it's turning you on.  I've also decided that asking that question at the exact moment they are between you and the holy land, might be the wrong time to crack this particular joke.  I've also decided that airport security workers have no sense of humor and can throw around their fake badges to land you in an all out strip search.  I then decided that it was no longer a turn on.  

sobering DUI...?

There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.  Last week, I was questioned by a police officer about my sobriety when I was perfectly sober.  I mean, it’s not my first encounter with the cops, but it was certainly new for me not be intoxicated trying to (what I consider in those moments) cleverly convince them that I am perfectly sober.  Of all the things that will appear on my record, a DUI and/or PI is not one of them.  So, I tend to believe I am pretty damn convincing.  That or I’m an irresistibly cute drunk.  For those of you who know me and/or have drank with me previously – I would like to kindly ask you to stop laughing at my admission of the possibility that I am cute whilst partaking in a beverage or 10. 

ANYHOW… this little extravaganza goes a little something like this.  I was leaving work late and heading over to Amy’s for some delicious dinner.  I mean, let’s face it… short of going home, this is the only way I get home cooked meals.  Traffic wasn’t as bad as I had originally expected and I made it from work to my neighborhood in like 12-minutes.  So I figured I had some time to stop by the corner store in the square and grab muh-self a Diet Dew (Mountain Dew for all of you who are not intoxicated by its fantastically tantalizing green goodness). 

On my way into the store, I notice that there are a lot of people outside just kind of hanging around – more-so than usual.  It wasn’t an alarming situation, really.  Just a bit out of the ordinary, which is why I think I even noticed it in the first place.  There were 2 guys standing next to a red (and I hesitate to use this hyphenated word followed by the 2 that directly follow it for fear of the oxymoronic undertone, but here goes…) supped-up Mini Coop.  Maybe since my alert was heightened due to the atmosphere at the time, but I didn’t think the car belonged to them, I more categorized it as they were admiring it.  Hold on, I mean “admiring” it.  Whatever.  I walk right past, grab my drank (spelled as such intentionally – there are certain Dew rules that must be adhered to – you don’t drink Dew, yah drank it), pay and head towards my car in 30-seconds flat.

As I am walking out, I notice a cop on foot walking in my general direction.  It doesn’t register as anything important, because there is a small Plano Police sub-station in the square, about 100 feet from the corner store.  He’s walking with a purpose and I assume it’s in regards to why all these people are standing around outside.  I get in my car and while I am putting on my seatbelt, there it was.  That “police tap” on my window.  Ohhh, how I am familiar with said tap.  You don’t generally forget the sound that has you run thru this little number in your head before turning to talk to him – oh shit, oh shit, be cool, you’re totally sober, you can do this, oh shit, I should put in a piece of gum, shit I have no gum, shit, well here goes…

I look up and color me less than shocked, the cop is motioning for me to roll down my window.  So I do.  And he says and I’m not kidding – Ma’am, I just received a report that you are severely intoxicated and planning on driving.

Me – Me?

Him – Yes, you.  A woman just pointed you out to me and said you were the one that was drunk in the convenient store.

Me – Me?  

Him – Yes, you.  Have you been drinking today?

Me – No sir, I literally just got off work and this has been my first stop.  I wish I could drink at work!  *giggle* (Yeah, turns out he lost his sense of humor on his 100 foot journey to the side of my car)

Him – This isn’t funny. 

Me – No sir, of course not.

Him – Let me see your driver’s license.

Me – Alright. *dig around, find it, then handed it to him* So someone just pointed me out and said – hey that’s her the drunk girl or what?

Him – That’s exactly what happened.

Me – That’s really perplexing (for some reason I felt like by using the work perplexing and not drunkenly mixing up the letters, would somehow prove my sobriety – it was a strategic move, which I later questioned why I had felt the need to prove I hadn’t been drinking when I actually hadn’t been drinking).  I haven’t had a single thing to drink today.

Him – What business has brought you over here?

Me – Business?  I was only stopping at the corner store to grab a drink and then head home.

Him – Did you purchase beer while you were in there?

Me – Beer?  No.  I just got a soda *I held it up to show him* and I would show you the receipt, except I didn’t get one from the guy.  I never do, tho I am starting to think I should in the future.

Him – So you’re saying you didn’t purchase any beer?

Me – No, I would be more than happy to walk right back in there and you can ask the guy behind the counter.  He knows me.  I come in here all the time.

Him – No, that won’t be necessary.  Did you have an altercation with anyone while you were inside?

Me – Altercation? (Seriously I was in dumbfounded repeat-mode) Uh, no.  I was the only person in there beside the guy who sold me my drink.  I was in there for all of 30-seconds. 

At this point, he’s studying my license intently and has moved around to the back of my car, looking at my license place.  He is bending my license as he walked to the front of my car to check to see that all my stickers were current.  Which BAM they were, but like barely.  He moved back to my driver’s-side window and I just couldn’t help myself, I offered…

Me – I would be more than happy to take a sobriety test.  (Which as SOON as that left my mouth, I thought what if this is the one time I actually fail it, when I am completely sober.  Or maybe he will ask me to do that stupid alphabet bit where you have to do it from C to W.  Which believe me is VERY difficult while drinking… but add in that I am a dyslexic and really my chances drop substantially even when I am perfectly sober.  I actually started to get noticeably nervous.)

Him – That won’t be necessary.  You are not exhibiting any signs of being intoxicated.

Me – That’s because I’m not.

He’s seriously eye-balling me at this point.  This was all new for me.  I was nervous as all get out that I would get my first DUI while completely sober.  Funny, when I was having similar conversations with a cop after I had actually been drinking, I never remember feeling nervous.  Alcohol gives you courage – makes your fearless, is what I decided in that moment.  Too bad I gave all that drinking to excess up a few years ago.  I really think that a beer right then might have calmed me down a bit. 

Like 10-minutes into this conversation some guy comes walking up – one of the guys who had been standing outside oddly.  He tells the cop – Oh no, that’s not the girl… had I known you were talking to her about that, I would have stopped you immediately.  I’m semi-hanging out of my car window and saying things (uncomfortably) like – I really thought I was starting to lose my mind… I was actually getting a little worried.  To which the cop turned around and told me to sit facing forward, don’t talk and don’t move until I tell you to.  WTF?  I’M SOBER. 

At the back of my car, people begin to collect to tell the cop about the real girl who had been drunk.  The one who was driving that Mini Coop.  The one who when I was being interrogated had drunkenly hopped in her car and drove off.  Turns out that the guys were standing near that car because she’d parked it horrifically and had actually had it turned in so far that she’d hit the car in the parking spot next to it.  It was thousands of dollars of damage, but there was some damage nonetheless. 

So I am sitting there and sitting there and sitting there.  Faced forward and not talking.  After about 5 minutes of that, I was like screw this… I’m not gonna stare in front of me when my only crime is my love of a Diet Dew.  So I turned and looked out my window and it was like all-out mayhem.  People are pointing in the direction she drove off and the cop is on his radio trying to locate her.  All the while, this is all happening directly behind my car and I was trapped.  It didn’t even occur to me to call Amy and tell her I was going to be late.  I hadn’t even registered how much time had passed.  I mostly sat there.  Really, really confused.  I wasn’t even mad.  Just totally confused.

A car pulled up behind mine and scattered the people a little.  I saw my window, until I realized that she had stopped to tell the cop that she had been following the Mini Coop and knew where it was.  They were talking for what seemed like an eternity, he radioed something in, they talked more and then he hopped in this chicks car and took off.  The people began to clear and I was able to back out and leave at that point. 

First thing that crossed my mind was – uh, officer… you never told me if I could move.  (Which made me hesitate to leave).  The 2^nd thing was if ever was going to nail another car that was parallel parked behind the corner mart’s parking spots, it would be today.  When the cop sees me, yanks me out of my car and says something like – AH HA!  I KNEW YOU WERE DRUNK. 

10 and 2, check rearview.

I headed home still trying to assess what the hell just happened.  It wasn’t until I got home, changed into some jammies and was walking down to Amy’s place, that I realized I was about 30-45-minutes later than I said I would be.  I walked into her apartment and said my pretty famous phrase of – you’ll never in a million years guess what happened to me just now.  She starts to guess a few things but then I cut her futile attempt off at the quick saying  – Stop guessing… you couldn’t guess this if I gave 20 hints and a premise.

Such is my life.  The one time I thought I was going to jail and I say “one” time I “thought” I was going to jail because any other time, I never “thought” I was going to jail, though it may have ultimately ended there – it was going to be for DUI or a PI when I was completely sober.  Why not?  It would have been just 1 more thing to add to the bottom of the unfortunate list that I have labeled – My Life.