i almost died today and no one was to blame but... me?!

I’m pretty sure I almost died today. Ok, well maybe I wouldn’t have died, but I damn sure would have been really jacked up… like hospital time jacked up. I will preface this little rant by saying that I’m not all that impressed with my ability to handle stressful situations. I mean, in a previous blog when I was in a crisis situation, I decided that BEFORE going to the hospital, I needed to change my clothes. Seriously?! Change my clothes?! Yeah, whatever. I’m going to have to have a chat with my ego – no scratch that… super-ego (apparently I need to go over ego’s head) and get the eff on the same page.

So today, I’m walking in to work from lunch. I’m walking with visitor parking on my left and through traffic can pass on my right. I’m heading towards my office. I first have to pass an area where cars pull in to be able to park in the garage. I didn’t even make it that far. I’m passing a truck on my left that is hanging out of its parking space.

Which quick aside… screw all you guys who INSIST on driving big trucks. They’re gay. They’re even gayer in parking garages. Rant over.

So I’m walking around it, when this red Lexus comes pulling into the garage. Fast. He’s makes a left turn without slowing in the least. He’s approaching me on my left.

3 thoughts went through my head in about 2.3 seconds.
1 – He’s really driving fast for a parking garage.
2 – Surely he’s going to slow down.
3 – Holy shit, he’s going to hit me.

Now, all of this happened very quickly but I know I was trying to make a decision as to what to do. I couldn’t move to my right because there was that effin truck – the bane of my very existence – sitting there. There was no possible way that I would be able to run in front of the fast moving car to the other side so this is what I did…

I bobbled back and forth like a fool doing nothing helpful. The very next thing that happened is the car was so close to me that I hit the hood of his car with my hand and jumped backwards. I’m not sure if it was me hitting his hood with my hand or him looking up from texting to see he was about to hit me, but he stopped... JUST as the front bumper of his car made contact with my knees. Ok, and let me be clear here, where he hit my knees it didn’t hurt. I’m not sure I’ll even have a bruise. The palm of my hand was throbbing, but that was the only thing that was injured in this whole mess.

Ok here’s my first disappointing moment. I’d like to think that if a car was coming at me, I would monkey jump onto the car leaving two big EFF YOU footprints on his hood. Second, I’m really sorry to admit that my reaction to an oncoming car is to lean forward and jump backwards. WTF? Really? So disappointing.

Anyhow as all of this is going on, the building maintenance guy is watching the whole thing happen. He’s a Hispanic guy, which doesn’t really matter but all he was doing was screaming something that was neither Spanish nor English. Upon recollecting the event later, I speculated that he was attempting to translate “Dios Mio” into English but it was coming out in terrified moans. He speaks all of 5 words in English as it is. There were easily 3-4 other people who saw the whole event and were more terrified than I was… which I’m strangely uncomfortable with the fact that I didn’t drop 20lbs of adrenaline and wasn’t mad about him almost killing after the fact.

Anyhow, he stops his car and opens the driver side door to say something… to get out… I’m not sure. I was already walking past his car to continue into the building. He says something like – Oh my God, are you ok? To which I said and without even really looking at him – No, I’m fine, but you really need to slow down in the parking garage. I was already past his car and headed to the maintenance guy who looked absolutely mortified.

After a few more intelligible words, he hugs me and asks me if I am ok. I mean, this guy was noticeably shaken. There I was standing there, not shaken in the least, not upset, not scared… nothing. It was weird. The few other people have gathered around and are all asking me if I am ok – which I was. I mean not a scratch on me. I will say that had that guy waited another 2 seconds to break, I would have been up under the driver side of his car… guaranteed. So I feel like I should have been scared, or upset… or something. But nope. The maintenance guy is asking if he needs to do anything, write a report, anything. To which I just told him that it wasn’t really that big of a deal and I was fine.

NOW… to the douche bag part of this story. So for whatever reason, I didn’t look at the guy who was in the car that almost hit me. I mean, even to this moment and after I had a confrontation with him, I’m doubtful that I could even pick him out of a line up. I could however pick his car out. It looks exactly like my boss’s car except my boss has an Acura. I’ve seen this ass driving recklessly in our garage before.

Anyhow I’m still talking to the maintenance guy when the apparent driver of the car comes down the parking garage stares. I was guessing it was him because he was heading straight for me. I expected something like – Holy Shit! I’m so sorry! Are you ok? – something to that effect. But NO. NO… this guy had started building his defense against my supposed future accusations.

HIM – You shouldn’t have been walking in the middle of the parking garage.
ME – (processing that DUMBASS statement) Excuse me?
HIM – You shouldn’t have been walking in the middle of the parking garage. It’s dark in here and you’re in all black and I didn’t see you. You shouldn’t have done that.

Ok… NOW I’M LIVID PISSED. I wasn’t mad when you almost killed me. I wasn’t mad after I didn’t die. I wasn’t mad at all. I was oddly and eerily calm. But you did NOT just walk up to me and tell me that YOU almost ran ME over because of accusatory 2 false statements.

So in typical Angela-form, I did what I do when I’m making points in a heated email… I bullet it. Except trying to bullet a full-on confrontation wasn’t going to translate. So I numbered this bitch. I had 6 points. I had been disappointed with my reaction to this whole thing starting with my lean forward/jump backwards approach to not getting run over. But #6 on my list… well, it was my proudest moment of the whole damn thing.

ME – Listen here effer (which wasn’t censored in the least when I said it)…
• ONE – I wasn’t in the middle of the parking garage just dicking around not paying attention. If you noticed I was almost pinned between a truck in visitor parking and the front driver side of your car. PLEASE explain to me how that puts me in the middle of the road, because it doesn’t you blind fuck. Not to mention there’s 4 people who SAW YOU ALMOST HIT ME.
• TWO – I’m not in all black. I have a black jacket on, a light grey scarf and JEANS. I’m not in a pitch black jogging suit running in the middle of the night with no reflectors on. Maybe you didn’t see me because you were texting… couldn’t have been that now could it have?
• THREE – I’m pretty sure you were easily going 10-15 mph when you haphazardly pulled into this parking garage. Any idiot with a brain knows to slow down when pulling in here as there are people walking across ALL THE EFFIN TIME to get to the building. YOU HAVE TO CROSS HERE TO GET TO THE BUILDING. How fast were you going… no really, I’ll wait… no screw that, I’m not waiting. You were going WAY too fast and that’s that – I don’t need your confirmation.
• FOUR – Are you seriously trying to say that I am at fault for YOU almost hitting ME with your car? No really… is that what the EFF you are saying to me? Well I suppose you just think that if a train came off the tracks and took out a mother pushing a stroller you’d say, well shit lady, you shouldn’t have been so close to the tracks. (He’s now shaking his head no) No? No, you say? Well that’s about how retarded you sound right now.
• FIVE – (And this was only because I was stuck on our ABOVE GROUND PARKING GARAGE being too dark and me being in all black, I had to circle back to it) AND WTF with it being too dark in here?! Are you effing kidding me with this shit?
• SIX – And just for good measure you retard, I don’t care if I was dancing a jig in the middle of the parking garage if you mowed me over with your car, you dumb dick it would have been your fault. Not mine for doing a ditty in an inappropriate place.

I’m pretty sure I was about to move on to a seventh point, but he cut me off. I was surprised he let me get to six with the tirade that I was on.

HIM – We’ll we’re just lucky it turned out the way it did.

Now, let me just say that this isn’t the first time that someone tried to end a conversation with me in this fashion. The pharmacist at CVS told me one time – Ok, I will do you this favor, this one time. To which I responded to that incompetent prick with – YOU’RE DOING ME A FAVOR?! I think not princess. You improperly filled my prescription, THEN sold me someone else’s prescription, THEN committed insurance fraud, REFUSED to reimburse me what you fraudulently charged me and YOU… YOU’RE doing ME a favor? No, no lady. It is I who is doing YOU a favor by not calling and reporting you to HIPAA. I’m fairly certain that they have some policy about someone fucking something up 12x in one transaction. And I won’t even go into the repercussion of insurance fraud. I think you and I BOTH know what the ramifications of that little doozie are. Eh? Yeah she just stared at me in shock for a moment then I followed that up with – Yeah, you can go ahead and do ME that favor now, princess. I’ll wait… and I’m NOT waiting in line again when you get this shit straightened out. Right? To which all she muttered out was – right. And I didn’t… I went right to the head of the class!

Anyhow, this guy tells me that “WE” were lucky. Yeah, no… that wasn’t going REMOTELY in the least bit fly with me. I mean like not even kinda.

ME – WE aren’t lucky you dick. YOU ARE for not killing me. If I was dead, I wouldn’t care. I’d be dead. And you’d get to live with that for the rest of your life. Even if I didn’t die, I might be jacked up and in the hospital but I would have taken you for every single dollar you were worth. So I’m not the lucky one, partner. You are. Remember that for the future… and try not to blame your future victims for your irresponsible and negligent behavior.

At that point, he muttered something and then walked off and into the building.

So, aside from this guy being a total douche and trying to blame me, I wasn’t mad about the situation at all. I oddly don’t remember being scared at all either. Even after the 4 people who saw it were all clamoring around me with absolute terror and fear painted on their faces. I remember thinking that I should be reacting… or having a “holy shit, I’m merely a mortal” moment. It never happened.

I walked into my office and told a few people that were standing around what had happened and even then the only part that riled me up in the least and caused any kind of emotion was this guy walking all the way over to me to blame me. He didn’t even ask if I was ok again or say he was sorry. That shit just pisses me off… I mean badly.

I’ve been waiting all day for my – oh shit – moment. I don’t think it’s coming. I find that a bit odd… I don’t know. I’m not very pleased with my minds coping mechanisms. And I think what I have successfully proven is a pattern of inappropriate reactions in stressful situations, you don’t want me ANYWHERE near one that someone else could be involved in. I’m useless.

But, I can bitch a person out afterwards in a numbered fashion. It’s one of my finer points, I’d say.